Who knew we would be blessed so soon, without even a warning like a bright northern star, a baby born with stigmata, or at least an aggressive street team blocking my access to the subway? Lindsey Lohan's debut single is for sale on iTunes. And everyone who sleeps soundly comforted by the status quo should be happy to note that she's indistinguishable Britney Spears. Seriously, Britney's going to hear this song and be like "I am so fucking awesome. Not as good as these Jello shooters, but pretty damn close." And she really mines a subject that I think hasn't been properly addressed in pop music: how absolutely fucking hard it is to be a celebrity. Why? Total lack of privacy. Chubby 15-year-old girls with ill-fitting low-waist jeans, pervy 38-year-old guys, and homosexuals in the year 2027 are going to eat this song up with a fork decorated with glittery star stickers.

One quibble: I don't think this song reveals anything about her relationship with a certain hunky That '70s Show star. (No, the other one. No, not him either. Nope, not Kurtwood Smith. Yeah, him. Who would have thought?) Am I just going to have to rely on Extra for information? Maybe she'll open up on her follow-up single, "I Want to Feel You Inside Me, Wilmer Valderrama".