Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Whiskey for my men and never-ending bread bowls for the suburban families...

The continuing adventures of fake patriot Toby Keith and his crazy restaurant where you can get, I'm sure, whiskey for my men, and beer for my horses:

Toby Keith Lends Name to Restaurant Chain
Toby Keith demanded one thing from investors who persuaded him to lend his name to a new restaurant franchise: Good food.1

The award-winning country music singer-songwriter2 said he returned to the restaurant business after investors "made me an offer I couldn't understand"3 to launch the eatery named "Toby Keith's 'I Love This Bar and Grill."4

Keith said the restaurant would have an atmosphere he approves of.5

"It's going to be John Wayne meets Captain America," he said.6

1 Would that include whiskey for my men and beer for my horses? I suppose it depends on the contract language.
2 Wait... I got stuck on "award-winning". For what? Having no cavities?
3 Bwah-ha-ha! Me so stupid! Me common man! People like this are the same people who say we just need to shut up and stand behind our president. ("Just like I stand behind my southwestern taco salad recipe. I'm Toby Keith.")
4 Catchy, but not as fitting as Toby Keith's 'See Ya in Bankruptcy Court in Six Months!'
5 Whew. As long as it meets Toby's high standards. So those orange shorts and tank tops better be tiiight, bitch. And those apple martinis better make me pucker up like a French asshole.
6 Pardon? A fake cowboy and a comic book character? So it's all going to be an illusion? Spooky. Seriously, what the hell does this mean? It's like if I started a restaurant and said it was going to be Marmaduke meets Yaphet Kotto.


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